


I Feel Like I am Everything

by lhknox



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas Fluff, F/F, Poetry, a very clexa christmas, jewish!Lexa, just these two idiots being in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-14 23:26:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8033125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lhknox/pseuds/lhknox
Summary: "Clarke hasn't really seen Lexa since they graduated, which sort of breaks Clarke’s heart. There's something about the serious brunette that makes her heart stop, that makes her skin catch fire. Lexa is the world. Lexa is a song that Clarke so desperately wants to learn, a landscape she needs to paint. No matter how much time passes, Lexa is always on Clarke’s mind. She's a light at the end of a tunnel, and Clarke isn't sure if she'll ever reach the end."or,Lexa walks back into Clarke's life on Christmas Eve.OR,A Very Clexa Christmas





	I Feel Like I am Everything

**Author's Note:**

> Why yes this is a Christmas fic in September. You're welcome.

Lexa loves Christmas.

 

The Rabbi at her temple used to warn all of the children against worshipping the non-Jewish holidays, and for the most part she did. Lexa can live without Easter—being lactose intolerant, she can't even eat chocolate bunnies—and she detests Halloween. But there's just something about Christmas that sets her Jewish heart alight with happiness. Maybe it's a mixture of the bright lights and the catchy songs, or maybe because it signals a vacation from school, but whatever the reason, Lexa Woods is always happiest when there is fresh snow on the ground and a warm holiday feeling in the air.

 

Her favorite tradition started during Sophomore Year. She was surprised that Clarke had even invited her to the gathering; it was meant to be for the more religious kids to hang out before attending midnight mass. Lexa may have been religious, but she was most definitely the wrong kind of religious. Either way, she had accepted the invitation, and showed up at Clarke’s with a plate of cookies courtesy of her father. She remembers the warm feeling that spread through her the more time she spent with Clarke. It was the year she had gone to synagogue almost every day, crying and praying that God forgives the sinful thoughts that coursed through her mind, for the feelings she had no control over. It was the year she whispered her confession to Clarke and let the blonde tell her that everything would be okay and that she loved Lexa no matter what her parents or her rabbi or her god said.

 

The next year, Clarke asked her if she was going to bring cookies to the get-together again, and well, Lexa couldn’t just say  _ no _ . She brings even more cookies than she did the previous year and she watches with a frown as Clarke sits by Finn all night. It was the year she had come out to her parents in a screaming match, the year she moved in with her half-sister Anya. It was the year they had started Secret Santa, the year Lexa bought Clarke a DIY solar system that the girl could construct herself. Clarke had loved it, of course and Lexa remembers the warm feeling of Clarke hugging her in thanks, the sweet smell of perfume that had lingered on Lexa for the rest of the night.

 

Christmas Eve of Senior Year holds a special place in Lexa’s heart. It was the year Clarke had picked name for Secret Santa. She had bought the her three leather-bound notebooks and an expensive pen, both with Lexa’s initials printed neatly. It was the year Lexa had felt such unadulterated gratitude, so touched by the blonde’s gift. She remembers Clarke commenting on the small smile Lexa gave her,  _ ‘It’s good to see that smile again _ ’. It was the year Lincoln made her a Washington DC Emergency Kit, complete with a mini sewing kit and a bottle of pepper spray. It was the year she kissed Costia at their senior prom and the year Costia broke up with her, accusing Lexa of being in love with someone else. It was the year she sat beside Clarke in AP History and shared notes, the year she realized why blonde hair and blue eyes that held the universe made her stomach feel the way it did. It was the year she said goodbye to Clarke with a small hug and an unkept promise to keep in touch as she left Polis and never looked back.

 

///

 

Clarke stands in her living room, hanging the last of the decorations. She lets out a small sigh as she struggles with the last of the tinsel. The past four years she had outdone herself with her Christmas parties, because they were also the only time that most of their high school crew got to see each other. They all went their separate ways after high school, with Clarke landing in New York for college, Raven and Octavia both only a short way away at Yale. They were now all in their senior year of college, and despite everyone only having a short break from their hectic lives, everyone-- even Murphy-- made the effort to come. Everyone, that is, but one Lexa Woods

.

Clarke doesn't blame her; Lexa doesn't have much waiting for her in Polis. Her parents still don't speak to her, and Clarke knows that Anya often travels to DC for Christmas so Lexa doesn’t have to see the town anymore. So Clarke hasn't really seen Lexa since they graduated, which sort of breaks Clarke’s heart. There's something about the serious brunette that makes Clarke’s heart stop, that makes her skin catch fire. Lexa is the world. Lexa is a song that Clarke so desperately wants to learn, a landscape she needs to paint. No matter how much time passes, Lexa is always on Clarke’s mind. She's a light at the end of a tunnel Clarke isn't sure she'll ever reach the end of. Clarke  _ misses _ her friend, and is still upset that Lexa declined the facebook invite for the fourth year in a row. She should be used to it by now, but nothing will ever soften that disappointment Clarke feels year after year.

 

The doorbell rings, and Clarke goes quickly to answer it.

 

"We bought a keg. Let's get this thing bitchin'," Raven says, the first to walk through the door with Octavia and Lincoln, and Monty and Jasper following close behind. Monty and Jasper huff in annoyance.

“What do you mean we, Raven?” Monty grumbles as he and Jasper struggle through the door with the big metal cannister. Clarke doesn't even have to show them where to set it up, they just walk straight through to the kitchen. Raven hugs Clarke hello, before making her way to the snacks table and stealing a cookie.

 

More friends come, and bring with them laughter, presents, and that Christmas vibe Clarke knows Lexa used to love. But thinking about Lexa just makes Clarke’s chest ache in a painful, familiar way.

"Come on, Princess, lighten up. It's your favorite night of the year! Smile! Have a drink!" Octavia says. Raven nods in agreement, her mouth filled with crackers and dip.

"I just, I really thought she'd come this year," Clarke says, willing herself not to cry over Lexa Woods. Octavia pulls her in for a hug, trying to comfort her friend. She can’t understand how Lexa still has such a hold over Clarke’s heart after all this time. But she supposes that sometimes people’s souls are made of the same matter and nothing can ever truly separate them. Octavia knows that Lincoln is her soulmate, that in lifetime after lifetime they have been and will continue to be together. She assumes the same is true about Clarke and Lexa, even if this lifetime hasn’t brought them together properly yet.

 

It's nearing 11:30 pm, and everyone starts saying their goodbyes. As always, Clarke has thrown a killer party, and everybody leaves with their Secret Santa gifts and promises to keep in touch. She's just started tidying up when the doorbell rings. She assumes Raven has sent Octavia back for the scarf that she's forgotten, so she takes her time answering the door. The doorbell rings again. And again.

"Next time, don't leave your scarf—" Clarke stops mid-sentence as she sees who stands before her. Her cheeks are pink from the cold night air, her body is shivering, dressed only in jeans and a thin cardigan, and her brown hair is as wild as ever.

"Lexa."

"Clarke," she breathes happily. There's a twinkle in her eye that Clarke can't exactly figure out. She’s frozen for a moment two, before registering the fact that it's below freezing outside, and Lexa is  _ not  _ wearing proper winter attire.

"Lexa, you're gonna freeze to death!" Clarke exclaims, pulling her into the house, and sitting her by the gas heater. Clarke finds a blanket, and drapes it over Lexa's shoulders.

 

"Excuse me for seeming rude, but what the hell are you doing here?" Clarke asks, almost angry at the girl in front of her. Lexa chuckles softly, before turning to face the blonde.

 

"I wasn't going to come; I hate being here for the holidays. Then I got in my car at like four thirty this afternoon, and stopped twice for gas. I pulled up outside about a half hour ago, and have been working up the courage to come inside."

"Lexa, that's crazy!” Clarke admonishes, “You should've come and said hello everyone, they’ve all been dying to see you.”  _ I’ve been dying to see you. _

"But I didn't want to see them. I only wanted to see you. I need to talk to you."

 

Clarke doesn't know what to think. Her mind begins to race, imagining best and worst case scenarios at the same time. Lexa kissing her, Lexa telling her that she’s terminally ill—both ideas equally terrify Clarke. Lexa continues when Clarke doesn't say anything.

 

"I, uh, I brought you a Christmas gift." Clarke is horrified.

"But I didn't get you anything! I didn't know you were coming!" Lexa just laughs.

"It's okay. I didn't spend money on it. If anything, I'm actually returning something to you." Lexa puts her hand into her bag, and pulls out three brown, leather-bound, awfully familiar notebook.

"Those—"

"You gave these to me in Senior Year of high school. I’ve filled one a year for the past three years." She pats the last one with a small smile. “I finished this one this morning.” Lexa hands the books to Clarke, who silently opens the top one and sees Lexa’s slanted scrawl, unchanged since high school.

"No, Lexa, I can't do this," she says, "they're too personal." Lexa gently takes the notebook from Clarke, and opens up to a page she's clearly familiar with. She clears her throat and begins to read aloud, her calming voice wrapping around the words with ease.

 

" _ I am nothing. _

_ I am a microcosm, _

_ a petty individual _

_ whose actions _

_ in the end _

_ are meaningless. _

_ Human ego has allowed people to believe _

_ that in a universe as vast _

_ and enigmatic as our own- _

_ people continue to think that they matter. _

_ I have accepted that _

_ I am nothing. _

_ But when I look into your _

_ perfect blue eyes  
_ _   
_ _ I can see the universe they hold. _ _   
_ _  
I see that you are made of _ _   
_ _  
the heavens and starlight, _ _   
_ _  
of space matter and dreams. _ _   
_ _  
And though I am made of nothing but earth, _ _   
_ __  
I look into those eyes and

_ I feel like _

_ I am everything" _

 

Tears pool in Clarke's eyes as Lexa closes the book.

"You… you inspired every single word in here," she says softly, "so it's only fitting that you keep them." Clarke is a mess. Tears run silently down her face, creating a mascara trail. Lexa rubs them from her face with the pad of her thumb.

 

"I have no excuse," she continues, "for not being in your life. After high school ended, I was convinced that by ignoring that chapter of my life, I could be a different person. And that worked for a long time. But the one thing I could never ignore was the way that even just the thought of you made my life worth living. I'm so sorry, Clarke, for not being here when I should've been. You have no idea how much I wish I could change my actions. It was only recently that I realized that I should stop reliving the past, and attempt to imagine my future. And Clarke?" Clarke stares into the green eyes that seem to bore into her being.

"Yeah?"

"The only future I could imagine was one with you by my side." This only makes Clarke cry harder.

"You couldn't even message me once, Lexa? Just to let me know you were alive?"

"I can't give you any excuses. They're all petty and stupid and not true. The truth is, I was so scared. I'm still fucking terrified. But I couldn't let this year end without fulfilling my New Year's resolution."

Lexa puts a hand on Clarke's cheek, the contact electrifying for both of them. Slowly, more slowly than she's ever moved, Lexa leans in, and kisses Clarke. Those few seconds last a lifetime, and are over far too soon.

"You make me want to be great, Clarke Griffin." Lexa leans in again, but Clarke pulls back.

"But now what? You've kissed me, and I'll see you maybe for another week, and then you go back to Washington and I go back to New York, and you don't speak to me for another three years? This isn't okay, as much as I want this to happen, as much as I love this gift, I need to know what happens next."

Lexa smiles nervously. All she hears from what Clarke says is that she loves the gift and wants the same things Lexa wants.

"There's a second part to my gift," Lexa says shakily. "I've been accepted into NYU’s law school. I'll be moving to New York in the fall."

"That's almost a year away."

"And in between then and now, I'll catch trains to see you, and I'll call you every single day and I'll love you as much as you let me." Clarke leans back in, kissing Lexa with all of her might.

 

"It's a goddamn Christmas miracle," says a voice from the doorway. The girls break apart, and see Octavia standing by the door, Raven’s scarf in her hand.

"Well don't let  _ me  _ disturb you," she adds with a wink, before turning to the door. “Raven! Lexa’s here and she’s kissing Clark!” she yells.   
“Well it’s about damn time!” they hear Raven yell back.  Lexa rolls her eyes and Clarke laughs but neither of them say anything, because this whole thing  _ does  _ feel like a miracle or luck or something otherworldly.

 

///

 

Lexa loves Christmas. She loves the lights and the music and the endless possibilities. She loves the snow and the magic, and the warmth that settles even in the harshest winter air.

But as Lexa stares at the girl curled into her side as the fireplace flickers lazily, she thinks that maybe there's something she could love even more than Christmas. And it's sitting on the couch beside her.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you're interested, my tumblr is thepancakedrawer, and I have instagram where I share writing (like the little poem here) and that's @californiarollerderby


End file.
